What Broke and What Stayed

It's been a while...

not because I didn't have anything to say but because everything was moving faster than I could put into words.

So much has shifted.

Internally and externally.

In many ways i did not expect

and if I'm being honest

I wasn't ready

There's a certain kind of season that doesn't ask politely

It just rearranges you without any warning.

It tests your capacity,

Your patience,

Your ability to stay when things feel uncertain.

lately,

It's felt like I've been in a very long initiation.

Things didn't fall apart all at once

It happened slow.

A realization here,

A hard conversation there,

Moments that I felt something no longer fit.

But I didn't and I still don't know what will replace it.

Leaving a job i had for 11 years,

Watching my dad begin to fade in ways I can't fix,

Letting go of a relationship that held nearly a decade in my life,

Learning how to live alone again... in the quiet of my mind,

Starting over in spaces that used to feel certain

friendships, routines, my identity.

And in between all of that

I keep thinking...

Am I doing something wrong

Or is this what growth feels like

Part of me has wondered....

Is this a midlife crisis

and honestly... maybe it is

But not in the way we have been taught to fear

It's not reckless and it's not avoidant

More like.. A midlife awakening

A clearing

A refusal to keep living a life that no longer fits the woman I want to become.

I don't think this is a punishment

Or a failure

Or things not working.

I think this is refinement.

The kind that strips away what isn't aligned anymore,

even if it is something that's been comfortable.

Even if I wanted to stay.

And yes I'll say it...

Moldavite had been doing it's job.

Not gently. Not Subtly. But clearly.

Not everything broke,

some things got stronger.

My voice. My knowing.

My refusal to abandon myself to keep things easy.

Even when I doubt everything

There is still a quiet thread in me saying "Keep going. Even like this."

I don't have a clean answer.

No perfectly wrapped "next chapter"

But I can feel something new is forming.

Something more honest, more real,

More grounded.

Less about proving myself

And more about being Myself. Maybe that's the point.

Not to come out the other side as someone completely different

But to come back as someone more true.

If it feels like something is testing you right now...

Wearing you thin... and reshaping you...

You are not alone.

It doesn't mean you're off path.

Sometimes the path breaks. Not to an end… but to open up something for you that you couldn't reach before. and in the absence of direction...

You learn to listen differently.

To soften your grip.

To follow what feels true,

Even when it doesn't make sense.

To trust that not all paths are meant to be seen

Some are meant to be felt.

And for now... that is enough. I'm still here. Writing again.

Not because I have everything figured out...

But because I don't.